I guess you could say that if you had to pin down a fear of mine, if you had to trace anything that ever had anything to do with fear for me back to the main sources, one of the main sources would be failure.
There’s a lot of things at which I could fail in the next, say, four-six years. Driving, Job, Money, Friends, Music….And College.
And the main thing right now, though, the main thing is college. Or more specifically the thing right before it. The SATs.
What if I messed those up? Especially the math parts. That would be horrible.
What I have to do, and what I DO do most of the time, is remember that it’ll all work out. It’ll be fine. No one has ever accused me of being a genius for obvious reasons, but I’m no fool. I’ll hold my own.
I know that. That doesn’t stop me from freaking out just a little though… well, sometimes it might be a little more than “a little”.
I mean, I’m an idealist and an optimist. I have made plans for myself based on the idea that I can do anything and everything’ll work out in the end. But what if it doesn’t? It will. I have to believe that. But what if?
What if my math score is really bad and that’s the most important score when you take office administration? What if the essay prompt is something I don’t know a lot about or don’t have a personal opinion on yet? What if I make a fool out of myself in general just because it’s new and I’ve never taken a test with fill-in-box thingies like this, being homeschooled and all.
Thinking of these sorts of things can easily turn into a spiral of negative thoughts- because being an optimist isn’t about never thinking negative thoughts, it’s about believing they won’t happen. And I do, rationally, believe that it won’t happen. But fears are not rational and they don’t really care.
What if people don’t like me? What if I end up NOT making close friends at college? What if I’m bad at the required classes or I’m late for an important class or what if thing go wrong for me tomorrow when I turn 16…. just…. you know. What if?
What if it should go awry?
The answer is that it won’t. It won’t, and even if it does, it’ll work out in the end. There’s always a solution to a problem somewhere even you don’t see it right away.
But even knowing that doesn’t stop you from wondering- what if?