Must-Do Scenarios

In response to this old daily prompt

______________________________________

If I could have all my food needs taken care of with a pill, and never again had to eat or prepare food, would I?

This is an easy, short answer: No.

There are only so many things in life that you MUST do. We do our best to make these things fun. We MUST wear clothes, so we have fashion trends, fashion magazines, and fashion icons. We MUST drink liquids, so we have juices and sodas and lemonades. We MUST sleep, so we have pajamas and fancy beds and nice sheets.

We MUST eat, so we have yummy food, fun ways to prepare it, and fun things to serve it on.

If the government announced tomorrow a new system where they issued brown uniforms to every human, which were picked up for washing and repairs on a schedule, and which were always your perfect size and costed you no money, so as to take the effort out of having to wear clothes and simplify our lives- would you say yes?

Probably not. Where would the fun in that be? There wouldn’t be any fun. That’s what’s wrong with it.

If they announced that to save money, they would be only offering water to everyone to drink and the water would be free, would you say yes? Probably not, because you’d be missing out on lots of other fun things like tea, coffee, juice, and milk.

I need my pasta, I need my garlic bread, my cheese, my burgers, my hot dogs, my casseroles, and my frying pan meals.

And my chocolate. I also need my chocolate.

:D

So no- I would not replace my daily meals with a pill, but thanks for asking. :p

Twilight Zone | A Song/Short Story

There’s a song by Golden Earring, called Twilight Zone. It tells a story about a spy who, well, sort of dies, but they don’t make any details clear. Basically, he or she is double crossed by their employer and can’t quite make things right.

It’s a awesome song and whenever I listen to it, I imagine this story of my own in my head. Today I finally wrote it down.

I was leery of publishing it. It is NOT the sort of thing I usually write, nor is it in any way happy. That’s why it has a read more thingy.

Mind you, someone does die in the song so… you know. This is NOT a cheerful short story in any way, not is it really logical or written with regard to how government agencies really work. It’s not too long, considering it’s me who wrote it and the song is like 10 minutes long.

It’s not even really very good. But I’ve decided to publish it anyway, rather then have it disappear in Google Docs like most everything else I write, lost forever.

Read More »

How Things Look vs How Things Are | A Rambling Discussion

WARNING: The following mess of text has no structure. Proceed at your own risk.

_____________________________________________________________________

I was just thinking about how I don’t have an opinion on a lot of things.

There are a lot of things that I see both sides of the argument and my brain is like, “Well, this side has thing which is like that thing, but that side has that thing too which is like this thing, and both sides don’t consider the other stuff!” and then I give up because I can’t wrap my head around my own thoughts.

I guess this is odd-sounding you, but it happens to me all the time.

Another slightly related bit to this is that people probably think I don’t think about important stuff, and I do. I just think about it so much that I prevent myself from coming to a conclusion. And of course, people must think I’m flaky, coming up with decisions at the last possible second, not putting any thought into these decisions because I didn’t consider them until just now.

But I DO consider them. I consider them months in advance, arrive at a conclusion, realize there might be a hole in that decisions and start all over. I re-evaluate every aspect of a decision repeatedly as the deadline approaches, unsure of which one is 100% right and when I finally get to the due date I take all the information I have learned and I use it to make a final split second decision that I hopefully won’t regret later.

It seems like I just pulled an answer out of thin air, but I didn’t. In fact, I have been thinking about that answer for much longer than I should have. I just didn’t bring it up, because I know I will change my mind repeatedly leading up to D-Day as new information comes in, and I would appear flaky if the world knew about this thought process. Well, flakier I already must appear, anyway.

And you know, I think it’s prudent to note that my thought are a giant imbroglio 97% of the time and the other 3% I’m asleep. :p

But seriously. The reason I post this, is because I think maybe there’s a merit in here somewhere: I know I must seem ridiculous on the outside, unable to reach a logical decision and incapable of doing anything more than backing away from conflated arguments made my own mind, but at the end of the day it all works out. At the end of the day I function about the same as everyone else. At the end of the day, I get stuff done too, though perhaps not quite as efficiently as they do.

You can’t judge a person, or a thing, or a process- you can’t judge anything without all the information. That’s a double-analogy- I can’t make judgments until the last second, and you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover.

I’m not directing this at anyone, I’m not really ranting, I’m not really saying a whole lot of anything. I just think the world is sometimes a little too judgmental about things, and while I accept this as part of the reality, an inescapable part of the real world, I also wish it wasn’t so, and I have a built in example. And I wanted to share it.

Sometimes something that looks odd isn’t convoluted. It’s just…unique. And there isn’t anything wrong with hat. As long as we all get where we’re going, what does it really mater how we go about getting there?

And besides, if you think about it, we all do things that people could easily judge wrongly from the outside, and probably do. So sometimes you just have to put yourself in shoes that aren’t yours now and again to remind yourself of how things are for other people.

I mean, looks can be deceiving. We all know that phrase. But do we ever actually apply it? I’m not so sure. I know the internet doesn’t, but that’s the internet- not a good place to look for the niceties of humanity. In the real world, do we?

Are there even many “niceties of humanity” left?

Optimist that I am, I prefer to think that there are, and I prefer to think that people don’t mean to be rude or judgmental- it just happens. But you can stop that sort of thing by just looking at the why of something before deciding the what.

And, you know, I think people just need to be reminded sometimes about that sort of thing. And I think sharing a personal example makes it resonate.

Things don’t always look how they are, and things aren’t always how they look.

That’s all I was thinking about on this Friday afternoon.

Just… think about it before you make your judgement.

Photograph Friday | #1

A new series! I know I usually SUCK at series… cause of time limits and crap… but trust me on this one. It’s going to be fairly short. I’m going to post a picture I like on Fridays, and I’m calling them “Photographs” because alliteration. :D I’m pre-scheduling this in batches so I should stay […]

Middle Ground

Times are strange seems like nothing lasts / We watch the changes go by so fast
We fear the future, and it makes up long for the past,
Over my head, I got in too deep / Weighted down with the promises I could not keep
Between a rock and a hard place no room to be found.
There ain’t no middle ground

“It’s one of those things where either you love it or you hate it. There’s no in-between.”

The above line- the one in quotes- is one that I despise.

No one has the right to look at something and say that EVERYONE EVER is on one side of the fence or the other. Because I’m usually not.

I usually stand the middle ground with most things.I see truth on both sides of most arguments, and I’ve grown weary of people telling me I can’t have it both ways.

I mean, If you try to acknowledge that two opposing people are correct at once, there is universal shock. No one can comprehend the idea that two people on opposite sides of an issue can have equal correct value and inadequate factual content in each of their arguments.

How hard is that to get?

My favorite place to exercise this example, due to the petty nature of the argument (Hopefully I won’t start a knock-down drag-out this way), is the technology war.

Linux! Windows! OSX! ChromeOS! Which is better! It’s always the same arguments. The thing is, most people are right to some degree about ALL of the arguments they make, and they are also somewhat incorrect. Sometimes I experience a hero complex, thinking I’m the only one capable of seeing the truth about things. But I’m not- everyone is, they just don’t want to.

People that use Linux say it’s best because it’s a third party wheel, not attached to any particular hardware, and good for customization and techie stuff. People who do not use it argue it’s too complicated and heavy, and too overkill for the average user and too much a hassle because you can’t buy a flagship laptop/desktop with it pre-installed.

And they will argue about that in the comments section on the internet for days. More and more people will get sucked in and take sides. People will get called names and people will insult each other and themselves, people will tell others to go kill themselves and people will leave hurt, angry and upset.

And to what end? What does this accomplish? Nothing! When all is said and done, the guy who uses Linux still loves and uses it, and the guy who doesn’t still hates and scorns it.

But they don’t realize that neither side is really right or wrong. Linux IS good for techies and it is not over complicated for techies, but maybe it is for the average user. It’s a good operating system for dual booting systems so it doesn’t NEED to come pre-installed on hardware, but some people may dislike that it doesn’t- and some won’t.

They are both right and wrong respectively, the problem is that the guy who doesn’t use it assumes everyone else has the same needs he does and the guy who DOES use it assumes the same. If people realized that everyone is different and everyone has their own needs and lifestyles and personalities, if people could take off their goggles now and again and observe the world around them, maybe we wouldn’t have this problem.

I find, however, that I am usually the one wading in and trying to stop the madness. I’ll reply to both parties in the argument, standing the middle ground, explaining that what is good for you isn’t always good for others and vice-versa. You’re both right and both you’re wrong depending on who you are and this is pointless so call it a tie, agree to disagree, and let’s all be friends.

But see, there’s an issue with the whole not-taking-one-side thing- ALL the sides don’t like YOU. They both think you’re some freak, how dare you sit on the line! You have to be on one side or the other- you can’t have both!

And I just don’t understand. I simply fail to comprehend how people are so close-minded, when they have such potential. Open the windows to you brain people! Or at least part the curtains a bit. Let something other than yourself influence you.

No one seems to be okay with the fact that I stand the middle ground.

Everywhere you look some kind of war is going on / And no man’s land is never gonna stay that way for long,
Better climb off that fence boy, before somebody shoots you down,
Hey, they’re gonna shoot you down, and they’ll say / Hey boy, just who’s side are you on anyway
Well I haven’t got the heart to act my part out in their play
But in the end you got no choice, it’s the only game in town
There ain’t no middle ground

People are so determined to be right. They so want to be the one that comes out on top, they want their side to win. So when someone like me comes along, trying to say that EVERYBODY is a winner, it sort of messes it all up and I don’t suppose they appreciate it that much, as least by their reactions.

I think we should be a little bit less focused on winning for winning’s sake and a little more focused on what is the truth.

That’s all.

So maybe, next time you’re having an argument with someone- stop and walk in their shoes. Stop trying to apply YOUR life principles to THEIR life, and start applying THEIR life principles to THEIR life. You might just find that things go a lot smoother than you think.

So hard not to lose yourself along the way
Sometimes you gotta hold your breath and take that magic leap of faith

Last night I dreamed of a long forgotten place, high up on the hill,
The cool wind in my face
The air was clean and clear and I could see for miles around,
And in my heart I knew I had come home,
And in my soul there was a peace I’d never know,
And so I stake my claim to this sacred place I’ve found,
And I stand the middle ground
I stand the middle ground

Middle Ground by Rik Emmett | This is sorta my theme song lol.

Omigosh An Award!!!

Okay people.

Okay.

So.

I’m reading my email on my phone, thinking how I really ought to clean out my inbox, but then again there’s a lot of things I ought to do that somehow haven’t been done, and all of a sudden I see an email title that catches my eye.

It’s got a lot of internet gobbldy-gook, but the bit that isn’t cut off says “Pingback on your page About Me”. (by gobledy gook I mean the apostrophes are all, like, “&hndv5“`*elephant” and crap, because when I read my email on my phone that’s what happens and I don’t know why).

And I thought, “Hmm. That’s more than someone mentioning a post offhand or a pingback from the daily post. That’s like, intentional, cause it’s the about page.”

So, I opened it, and waited 12 million years for the pictures to download, and it had a quote where someone not only intentionally mentioned this very blog, but COMPLIMENTED IT and I was like HOLY CATS what is going on!?

And I opened the link, and it was icedteapurplegem from Naturally Dreamy, and she nominated me! Yaysies! Thank you so much! You’re like, my cheerleader over there, following my blog and liking more posts than not and actually commenting on stuff (I think you’re like, the only one) and you nominate me for challenges and now you have nominated me for an award! Congrats on getting it yourself too, you totally earned it! I may not remember to follow up on all the posts on my reader (and your posts don’t show up in my reader, I have to go to your blog to check for new ones despite the fact that I follow you, which is… weird…. but whatever) I do read and enjoy your posts very much! :)

Oh, wait, I guess I should tell you what she nominated me for, huh? *g* This:

Leibster Award

Yes, the Liebster Award! I’m so excited and I’m not even 100% sure what that is! :p

Okay, I quote from here,

The Liebster Award is basically an award that is by bloggers, for bloggers. It’s passed from person to person to encourage connection and support within our writing community, and to aid in the discovery of new and upcoming bloggers.

Yes, I follow and read other blogs, but no, I did not know what that meant at all. I know, I don’t pay attention but there’s just so much stuff I do and I’m so busy and I do get kind of distracted sometimes and ooh a sparkly thing!

Ahem. Sorry. :p Anyway.

So, what you have to do to accept this award- and as such, what I must do to accept this award- is the following:

  • Nominate 10 blogs who have less than 1000 followers (pingback to the about page I think)
  • Answer 10 questions from the person who nominated you
  • Ask 10 questions to your nominees
  • Thank the person who nominated you

I already did one of those lol, so let’s move on to the top three!

Before I give you my nominees, I’d like to say that I always feel bad about stuff like this because some people will inevitably left out but *le sigh* Just know I consider everyone I follow worthy of nomination, these are just the ones I could even think of right now. And icedteapurplegem had lovely speeches to go with each of her nominees (including me!). Unfortunate, I don’t really and I feel like you’re going to read this and think man, that was lame, but here we go… (they are in no particular order, they all open in new tabs because I am a nice person).

Oh. I fudged the whole “10 blogs” because It just… didn’t work out. I just don’t follow enough blogs! Ughh. I love reading blogs but I don’t have time… I barely read the ones I do follow and I regret that enough (regret missing posts, not reading blogs lol)…. So, six is just going to have to be good enough. It’s just too bad I can’t nominate the blog who nominated me or I’d have 7 LOL.

Dreaming. Living. Loving. | A fellow INFP who makes some interesting posts and has some thought-provoking views on the world.

Surviving INFP | A blog run by I don’t even know how many people at this point, all talking about the INFP. (I just realized how many INFP blogs I follow…)

ukuleledaily | A blog run by a fellow player of the ukulele! She also writes, and has a very entertaining blog and writing style. (I don’t think she has an about page so I pinged to her latest post instead).

Write Me Up! | She has a lot of interesting experiences, reviews, and photos to share!

thoughts to be pondered | A ton of abstract posts, fiction, and quotes. This is so my kind of blog…

Crackers in the Dessert | Art. Art everywhere, and it’s really really good art, and there’s music too, and sometimes just her thoughts. This was the first blog I followed, and it’s changed a lot since then, but I still read it and enjoy it!

_____________

Okay, the questions. Right. Here we go.

1. What music did you grow up with? (like artists, bands and genres)?

My Mom has always been big into Bluegrass. Her favorites are Blue Highway and the Steep Canyon Rangers (with or without Steve Martin), IIIrd Time Out, Chris Jones and the Night Drivers, the Grascals, the Gibson Brothers… and Dad listens to country because it’s the least offensive thing he can find on the radio. :p

So, I remember when I’d be in the house with mom, hearing stuff like the Gibson brothers doing “I’m walking west to Memphis” and the Grascals “Roll Muddy River” and the SCR doing something like “Sleepy-Eyed John”.

When I was out with Dad in the garage or just around it in the yard, it was Jesus Take The Wheel every freaking five seconds, or that one I can’t recall the name of about how if heaven wasn’t so far away / we’d pack up the kids and go for the day / take them to meet their grandpa / and watch them laugh at the way he talked (I appreciate the message in that one) or even that Carrie Underwood song called Good Girl (is that what’s called? I always found myself lamenting the lyric writing in that song so much I forgot the title)….

When I was about 9 or 10, we didn’t have TV anymore due to the expense so one evening we’re sitting in the living room and Mom and Dad are playing songs they remember from their day (70s-80s rock) on YouTube, and I was sitting there going yeah, that stuff is awesome… and here I am approaching 16, obsessed with classic rock, a huge fan of Triumph and Genesis and Phil Collins and Journey and REO Speedwagon and Styx and Night Ranger and oh man so many….

2. What impresses you that doesn’t impress somebody else? (i.e.: I think Hobbit/Sherlock cross-overs are super clever and hilarious and BT thinks they are lame.)?

Hmm. That would probably have to be… Music. Now, hear me out here, I realize how that must sound.

See, when I hear music, I actually THINK about the lyrics, I think about what they mean and how well they’re written and the emotions they evoke. I hear the music and focus on every note, every beat, take it in and think about it, think about the emotions it evokes, think about how well it goes with the lyrics and how hard it would e to play.

Most people just see music as background music, and many of them don’t pay very much attention to lyrics (Most songs I hear on the radio on stores or whatever, the lyrics are genuinely painful in places…not all of them, certainly, but many) And the music is just, I don’t know. It call sounds like the same computer enhanced or generated sounds to me. And what the hay happened to guitar solos? Or solos in general? (Now it seems like every song I hear has the singer going “woah woah woooah” in place of a solo… well, to each his own…)

If you want a simple answer, that makes sense, The Magnificent Seven TV show is my favorite show in the history of ever and no one else knows it exists. Or the character of Cabe Gallo from <Scorpion/>, who most people forget about….

3. What song do you race to the radio to turn off? Turn up?

Well, if you read the answer above, most modern music. Any rap/hiphop/modern pop really…. there are songs that I do appreciate (by bands like the American Authors or One Republic) but most don’t appeal to my personal tastes and some do genuinely drive me nuts. As for turning up, Um, I anything by any of the bands I mentioned my listening to in the first question. Seriously, I listen to odd music so if it gets played on the radio, I have a freak out moment and turn it up. Even if it’s just a song I remotely know the chorus to I get excited. Man, I’m weird…

4. What skill do you want to have? (That you may or may not have?)

I want to have good stage presence. I want to be able to interact with a crowd. I don’t really know whether I have this skill or not, but I do know that as a dancer, I am comfortable on a stage. I’m thinking as a musician though.

5. If there is a question from the set I was asked that you are dying to answer go ahead!

Can I fudge this and answer a question from the person who nominated the person who nominated me? Cool, thanks…

Things you look forward to?

I look forward to the evening when I can relax and check my subscriptions on YouTube, glance through my email for notifications from Google+ or Tumblr (it’s not like actual humans email me), and I can chill at night and know I’m the only one around.

6. When was the last time you laughed and what were you laughing about/at? (It can be super silly, it’s okay.)

I’m sure it was today but I genuinely don’t remember, probably at my cat Reckless though, but… let’s say last night, at this Whose Line clip that I have re-watched a gazillion times…

7. What question are you wishing I was asking you? Go ahead and answer it!

Oh man, I love these questions! :p

Uh… Do I have any TV shows I want to call attention to or recommend? Yes. Yes, I do.

The Magnificent Seven, <Scorpion/>, The Young Riders, The Mentalist, Person of Interest, Columbo, Whose Line Is It Anyway (all three versions).

There. Go watch those. You will not regret it (unless you don’t like mysteries & improv comedy…. And you will love Mag7 even you generally don’t like Westerns… it’s the characters and the writing. They are simply amazing).

8. Do you have an accent? If you do, (I guess, who doesn’t!?) do you like it or do you wish it was different?

Yeah, I guess I do. This is the results from my last accent test:

Which American Accent Do You Actually Have    Personality Quiz

I disagree with “don’t ya know” (that’s farther north than me) and I call it a soft drink, or soda, but most my family calls it pop.

I am indifferent because I don’t really notice my accent, so…. whatever I guess. :p

My favorite accent is the English accent (I know, everyone freaks and says “British accents!!! but I am specific and picky, and I say English accents). I think that would be cool to have for a day. I also love certain Southern US accents, think Ezra Standish from Magnificent Seven (go on YouTube, actually screw it watch this video clip right here) or like the many southern belles that passed through Sweet Water and Rock Creek on The Young Riders. I don’t know for sure where said accents come from.

9. What did you think of the last movie you watched?

Last movie I watched was Frequency, and I adored it. I also shocked myself because I recognized Jim Caviezel (from Person Of Interest) in the movie and I never recognize actors cause I never watch movies. :p It was about this guy and his son getting into contact with each other through time with old technology, and how they have to save the world together, because everything the dad does in the past effects the world his son lives in… in the future. That is a crap description but go watch that movie, seriously, I loved it.

10. What’s the story behind your favorite photo?

Huh. I don’t have a favorite photo that I took, but here is one whose original source I cannot for the life of me find, but if you know please let me know and I will link:

SavedPicture-20137201480.jpg

I just love it. It makes me think of, I don’t know, that moment right before night and day separate and the beam of light I would like to imagine shoot from the heavens to signify the change… yeah, that was fiction. But I like to imagine that anyway.

Wow, now I have to have questions… don’t I? Well, I’m stealing two of iceteapurplegem’s because I loved them, but otherwise, hmm….

1. Do you have any pets? If not, what kind would you get if you could/wanted to?

2. What sort of value to place on a sense of belonging?

3. If you spend a month hanging out with someone…. who would you hang out with? (i.e. I’d like to hang out with the band Styx for a month. First of all, they’re all hilarious and second of all, I’d learn a lot)

4. If I answered a question you want to answer, go ahead! If not, do you run any other websites/blogs/social media pages? (answer both if you like lol)

5. Do you know anything about your personality type? (MBTI, ennegram, socionics, 16type, sp/sx/whatever…. tell us about it if you do!)

6. I know you are thinking of something you wish I had asked you, so ask yourself, and answer it! 

7. Your musical tastes, and how do you perceive them (lyric oriented, music oriented, or do you hear both as much as the each other?)

8. What do you think are the most underrated bits of pop culture? (Underrated TV show, book, character, actor, movie, band- help them get less underrated!)

9. Favorite YouTubers if any, and what they do (i.e. JAMbeauty89 is my favorite beauty vlogger, and Nerdcubed and Far Lands or Bust are my favorite gamers, etc etc).

10. Last one!…. What seems to impress everyone else, but not you? (i.e. I am distinctly unimpressed with Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings but I am apparently the only person to think that way).

__________

Good luck! I’ll be watching for your acceptances guys! :) Thanks again to icedteapurplegem for nominating me!

Criticism (& INFPs)

Today’s post is a little depressing for my tastes, but ah well, that sort of stuff happens now and again. I promise a more cheerful post soon. :)

I will admit something- I don’t mind people disagreeing with me, and I don’t (too much) mind people who insult my beliefs or doubt the very things I hold true (this is easily resolved by not mentioning my important beliefs or principles. Which probably doesn’t sound healthy, but it work for me, though I wouldn’t exactly advise you to try it).

But what I DO mind, sometimes far too much, is criticism.

This is a stereotype I have found on the internet, (which is mostly correct I suppose, even though I hate that it is), one that many TJs and even a few TPs…. mostly just Ts in general, acknowledge often. “INFPs are too sensitive. I can’t say anything around them or they get all offended and crap.”

Well, I’m not claiming that this is the reason all INFPs feel offended by criticism, I’m just saying this is why I am.

When someone criticizes something in general, yes, I get this barley-there sinking feeling in my stomach, but I shrug it off a few seconds later, acknowledge the problem, fix it, and move on. By general criticism, I mean like when I post a chapter on FanFiction.net and get a critical review. I often acknowledge they were right and change it, or change it because I’m the only one who disagrees with them, but at the end of the day, I’m usually not sitting there hurt about it. I’m not thrilled either, but…. it’s okay. If I did something stupid or you found a typo or I have a character acting out-of-character, I would rather you risk offending me and let me know so that doesn’t happen in the future.

It’s when things are directly related to me (or I, perhaps wrongly, perceive them as so) that things get touchy.

See, I’ve seen a lot of non-INFPs theorizing that we are idealists and we see ourselves as better than we really are, so when someone criticizes us the walls of the dream come crashing down and we are crushed by reality, thus lashing out at the one who introduced us to it.

I don’t know about my fellow INFPs. Maybe some of us are like that. But I’m not, and I’d wager most mature INFPs aren’t either.

It’s more like this: I am flawed to high heaven. I know I am. I’m just silly me; I’m far from perfect, I have a lot of faults. It takes a lot of work for me to come to terms with them, to realize many of them are just me and no matter how much I hate them they aren’t going anywhere; there are many I haven’t accepted at all. I’ve just acknowledged their existence and carefully avoided thinking too much about them.

But when someone brings it up- “You’re not outgoing enough, you’re too wishy-washy, you’re selfish, you let people walk on you, you’re not good with social situations, you’re sort of ugly, you’re too different from everyone else….”

Then I experience something I like to call a double-negative.

Because, see. I already knew I was too wishy-washy. I already knew I wasn’t much to look at. I already knew I wasn’t outgoing enough. Lord, do I ever. And I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this stuff, beating myself up over it in my head, hating it, trying so hard to make it go away forever. But it didn’t. It stayed, because that’s just how it is. And I knew there wasn’t any sense dwelling on things that can’t be changed, like my looks or the fact that I test 100% Introverted.

So I finally accepted it- tentatively, somewhat fearfully, afraid that I couldn’t tell the difference between the bad parts of me and the parts that I just got annoyed with, worried I was accepting something I should have been fixing- but I did. I accepted it. And I felt so much better, even though at night, when the lights are off, and the only sound is the cars on the road outside my window, I wonder if I made the right decision.

But everyone has faults, right? And no one is really paying that much attention to me and mine. It’s alright.

And then you tell me about it. Just when I thought maybe I wasn’t a freak and maybe I had some place in society and maybe I wasn’t a waste of oxygen in the long run, you brought it up again. You point it out as criticism. Then it’s like insult to injury for me, it’s like hey, I have beat myself up over that for you don’t know how long and you just… you just said it like it’s a simple thing I can change tomorrow, like it’s a deal breaker between me being a worthy human being or not.

Most people say it’s to better yourself- I’m telling you about this problem so you can fix it. That’s all well and good but… I tried that, or I accepted that it was okay if I wasn’t perfect. Now you’re telling me that this is a big problem. This is something we can’t allow to continue, this is serious business. This is a flaw you need to change, or else I’m afraid I will view you badly.

And I just don’t know how to respond to that. It causes this well of feelings to bubble up, it causes me to hate my flaws all over again, it causes me to feel like the biggest failure ever. It causes me to doubt my own judgment, because I evaluated the situation and decided that flaw was insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and you’re telling me it really is.

But the biggest problem of all is that it doesn’t take very much to convince me I’m the problem. If you tell me I’m not pretty enough, I’ll probably believe you. If you tell me I’m too nice to people, I’ll probably believe you. I’m not one to stand up for myself, mostly because I can’t find the happy medium between letting people walk all over me, and being that girl who thinks she’s perfect and can’t accept anyone who says otherwise. I don’t want to disagree with your assessment of me if you’re right, but I’m not sure how to tell if you are because my viewpoint is obviously biased. Therefore, I just accept virtually everything you say about me.

So.

Everyone out there with an INFP in their life: Maybe this helped you, maybe not. Either way, this is my problem with criticism.

Random Thought #15

Old Daily Prompt (because I am never on top of them) Tell us about something you’ve done that you would advise a friend never to do.     Trying to put on nail polish when your cat is in the room. Trying being the key word. Seriously, don’t do that. #unlessspottedcatsareyourthingbutisincerlydoubtit   (Yes, I do […]

I Wish It Would Rain Down

I have purposefully forsaken grammar in this post for expression’s sake… deal with it…

You know that overwhelming emotion?

That one that happens when there’s so much going on, and so much inside you, it just needs to come out but you don’t know how to make it come out because there’s just so much raw feeling, and hurt, and scars, and it’s all gone wrong?

You know how you feel when you realize something that means everything to you has gone from the thing your life revolves around to the thing you’ll never have again, and there is no way to express those feelings?

Sometimes it’s just unstoppable. It’s that moment when this:

i don't know what my feelings are doing GIF

becomes your only thought, along with just a big, empty, desolate blackness and an innate sadness that you can’t seem to escape as much as you try.

It weighs down on you, pressed you to the cold ground and you want nothing more that to escape it all but you can’t. You wish for nothing more than to make it all go away. Just make the pain go away.

Nothing will. You know that nothing will.

And it’s all too much and it’s all crashing down around you and it hurts even more because you thought you had dealt with everything and you thought you were fine and when you least expect it, the floodgates open and here it comes again, and you know there’s nothing you can do about it and that only makes it hurt more.

You find yourself in a broken pile, decimated by your flooding emotions, and you want nothing more than to be cleansed by the rain, you want nothing more than to let the rain wash away everything and start again. You just want the skies to open up and wash you away because you just can’t handle it anymore. You just wish it could rain down.

It can come from many things. A failed relationship. A failed dream. The end of a life.

A song by Phil Collins.

The song I’m talking of is I Wish It Would Rain Down.

Music has such power. It can make you feel everything and nothing all at once, happy and sad at the same time.

It can drag our every once of feeling in your body, stomp on it, and shove it back in.

It can make you feel what the lyricist felt. It can make you sympathize perfectly with things you’ve never truly experienced.

I’m going to quote Phil Collins from his Storytellers appearance.

“Well, I Wish It Would Rain Down, that was, um… that was kind of the closest… thing that I kind of got to the blues. It’s a bit like, I guess… well, sort of, the idea is, when you think you’ve dealt with something, and then you just… happen to walk down the street one day, and then you just happen to bump into someone.  And then suddenly that can of worms that you thought you dealt with, gets opened up again. And that’s sort of, you know, ‘I never thought I’d see you again, but now I just wish it would rain down, because I just can’t handle this’, you know?”

This song is one of only a few songs that have the ability to completely encompass my every emotion and shape them into something. It’s the most feeling song I know. The most powerful song I know.

The music video below is the official one; it’s rather long and starts off with a (sadly) Realistic scene where a tyrannical director criticizes everyone and everything including Phil Collins. The video is cool, but I suggest you ignore it for a moment, and just scroll down and read the lyrics, and experience the emotional roller-coaster sure to follow.

But before you do that, one thing:

Though your hurt it gone, mine’s hanging on inside

And I know, it’s eating me through every night and day

I’m just waiting on your sign

I know I never meant to cause you no pain, and I realize I let you down

And I know in my heart of hearts, I’m never gonna hold you again, no

The singer still loves the person, and it’s all crashing down, and they are waiting for things to go back to the way they were and for the feelings to go away and to start new, but they know deep down that it won’t. It never will. They know deep down they’ll never hold them again.

Couple that with Eric Clapton’s amazing guitar work- his guitar really is crying- and Phil Collin’s amazing, emotion-conveying vocals, the incredibly well-written lyrics, the minor keys of the song… and you have a masterpiece.

You know I never meant to see you again
But I only passed by as a friend, yeah
All this time I stayed out of sight
I started wondering why

Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh yes I wish it would rain, down on me
Ooh yes I wish it would rain on me

You said you didn’t need me in your life
Oh I guess you were right, yeah
Ooh I never meant to cause you no pain
But it looks like I did it again

Now I, now I know I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh girl I wish it would rain, down on me
Ooh yes I wish it would rain on me

Though your hurt is gone, mines hanging on, inside
And I know it’s eating me through every night and day
I’m just waiting on your sign

‘Cause I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain
And I realize I let you down
But I know in my heart of heart of hearts
I know I’m never gonna hold you again

Now I, now I know I wish it would rain down, down on me
Oh you know I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh yes I wish it would rain, down on me
Yes you know I wish it would rain, rain down on me
Just rain down on me

And for fun, here is the (very much shortened) Storytellers clip I was talking about.